Victory

Above is a picture of my tattoo, “victory”.

I’ve wanted a tattoo since I was in grade 8 (13 years old) and I’ve always wanted it on my wrist, but I knew it had to have a meaning behind it, something I can relate with my life, and something I would never ever regret. At the end of grade 9/ beginning of grade 10, I had a clear idea of what I wanted. It was a word that would ultimately summarize everything I’ve been through and will go through, a word that will give me strength and remind me of the times I was strong. I wanted it to make other people stop and ask, “why VICTORY?” So I would have an opportunity to share my testimony. Although, when people ask me now, I get irritated of having to repeat the story, and just say a few words, for example, “victory over everything I’ve gone through in my life,” and I never really stopped to tell my story. So I’ve decided to make a blog post answering the question, “Why VICTORY?”

From when I was born, there was always tension between my mom and my dad. They were ‘separated’ yet still married. My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and so I stayed with my mom while I visited my dad a lot. We’d hang out on the beach or he’d take me to his friends house where I’d sit for hours drawing and watching his giant pet lizard swim in his pool. I never saw my dad as someone that had a problem. He was fun and he always looked out for me. While they were separated, my mom had a boyfriend named Tony. He had 3 older children, Two of which were on drugs. The older girl fell pregnant at 18 and thought that taking drugs at the time would be fine, she ended up killing the baby. They couldn’t stay away from drugs. I remember on my birthday when the oldest girl baked a cake for me and had slipped weed in it. My mom fortunately somehow knew it wasn’t a normal cake and had warned me not to eat it. I also remember every weekend teenagers between the ages of 17 and 19 would be in our house doing drugs around me. My mom knew this wasn’t the right environment for me and left him.
By the time I was about 6, my parents got back together. It was weird for me to see my parents living together but at the same time, I loved having them both in the same house. Although this was the time when I realized my dad was an alcoholic. I would watch my parents fight all the time, just screaming at each other, throwing around hateful words. I would just sit on my bed and watch them. I hated it. I remember being at my aunts house, when my dad seemed to get a little drunk and my mom and my dad started a fight while the whole family was there. I was so shocked and so scared. My two older cousins, Ryan and Darren, took me to their room and played some loud music so I wouldn’t hear all the screaming going on around me, It worked for a while, but then I just found myself crying again. I went through my parents fighting almost everyday, until my dad made the choice to go to AA meetings and get help.

My dads sobriety changed a few things, for example, my mom and him weren’t fighting anymore. Although it came to my attention that they weren’t very affectionate, I just guessed maybe that’s how married couples are supposed to be. During this time that my parents had ‘fixed things’ and gotten back together, I had noticed I wasn’t exactly ‘popular’ at school AND in my family. I went to Chelsea Prep and although I had friends, I felt like an outcast. To this day I can’t explain WHY I felt like that. I just did. In my family, I never felt good enough. I was never as ‘pretty’ as my cousins, I was the youngest which lead to always feeling like everyone was looking down on me, and I could never do the things my older cousins were allowed to do. I remember one of my girl cousins in particular always made me feel like I wasn’t ‘pretty enough’. She would complain that I never wore any make up and that I never did anything with my hair. I don’t think I had ever felt so insecure before. I remember, I would plead for my dad to say no to me going to see my family, because I would be embarrassed of looking like I did. She continued to point out my flaws, and so I continued to keep quite and keep to myself every family gathering.

The end of grade 7 was the first time I picked up a blade and cut myself. I don’t really know why I did it, I guess maybe I wanted to see why other people did it. It was horrible. All it did was cause pain and blood. After a month of doing it, I realized people paid attention to me when I did it, and so, It became an attention thing. I was a HUGE attention seeker, and I denied it every time I was told so. In grade 8, something changed, i went on my first youth camp and got saved. A friend of mine whom was my leader at the time, stayed up with me till about 3am, allowing me to ask questions about God and then letting me know how much God loves me. God became a huge part of my life, and so the cutting stopped. A few months later, My uncle passed away. ‘Uncle Buck’ was the greatest man, cook, fisher and uncle anyone could have ever had the privilege to know. His name was actually Brian, but at a young age I was only able to mutter the word, ‘buck’ and so it stuck. He passed away from internal bleeding. It happened so suddenly that no one was prepared for the the decision to pull the plug. The first thing I did when I heard the news, was run to my bedroom and look for answers in my bible. I found every verse that I possibly could on death so I could show it to my mom to comfort her. I didn’t want to break down, I wanted to stay strong so my parents could see that God was helping me. Turns out that holding things in didn’t work too well. And so I started cutting myself again. This time, it wasn’t for people to see. I was ashamed of it. The link my cutting problem had to attention seeking was broken.

In grade 9 my parents fought a bit, but I knew everything was alright. Sometime in April, I had a great day at school, I walked out of the school gates and down the road to my moms car, placed my bags in the back seat and as I got into the front seat, I saw my mom look at me with tears in her eyes. Every time I asked what was wrong she just shook her head and said nothing. Finally, the car started and she told me, “Your dad and I are getting divorced.” I didn’t know what to do. My whole world was just being torn up bit by bit. I looked out the window and cried silently, for some reason I didn’t want my mom to see me cry so I let her rage on about my dad, and I never uttered a word. She told me things about my dad and I had misinterpreted something she had said about my dad, I texted my dad asking if it was true and he said no. When my dad came home, they just fought even more because I had confronted my dad about something I thought my mom had said. Then the divorce was final. I had taken the blame. I had this giant burden upon me, it was so visible.

Now that cutting myself wasn’t helping me in any way, I started to think of ending my life. I didn’t want to be around a broken family, I wasn’t prepared to have to live in two different houses. I never looked forward to things like Easter or Christmas because I knew it would always turn into a fight between who would have me when.

In grade 10, I was able to stop cutting myself, there were no more suicidal thoughts and I realized I wasn’t the one to blame for my parents divorce. Nothing was perfect, but it was most definitely better than before. My relationship with God was stronger than ever before and I was happy. Many times the word ‘victory’ had come up while I was reading the bible or while people were praying for me. I remember a verse I read in 1 Corinthians 15:57, “God gives us VICTORY over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.” This was when I knew I had victory over all those things I had gone through, not by my own strength, but through Christ.

So on the 19th of February 2013, my dad and I got a tattoo on our wrists saying, VICTORY. And today, my tattoo STILL proves that God IS victorious and I DO have victory through Christ over my life.

Names and some events have not been mentioned due to requested privacy

The World is not a Courtroom

A court room is a place where it consists of 3 main types of people, the Judge, The jury and the person waiting to be told whether they’re guilty or not (the defendant). The Jury is the decision maker and the judge just goes along with whatever the jury says. So if the defendant has actually done nothing wrong, the jury can still decide he’s guilty if they feel there is enough evidence, and even if the judge doesn’t agree, he/she still has to go with it. The jury have the power to ultimately destroy the defendants life by putting them in jail, or to give the defendant grace by letting them go free.

So now let’s relate this to our lives. How many times have you caught yourself being part of a ‘jury’ and making false statements about someone that you think you know are true. Or looking at someone and saying (or even thinking), “oh, they’re a loser because they don’t have many friends.” When in reality, they have many friends. Even going to a group of friends and telling them something about a person that isn’t exactly a proven fact, but you have evidence, so you just assume its enough. You DON’T have the qualification to go around with your group of friends acting like a jury and stating whether people are this or that. You do not have the right to decide whether a person is innocent or guilty, fat or thin, ugly or pretty, weird or cool, smart or stupid. Your opinion isn’t enough evidence for you to make assumptions about that person.

If you’re the ‘judge’, then you’re that person who pretty much just goes along with whatever people say about another person without even thinking logically about it. If someone says, “she slept with ten guys.” You’ll just believe it without the evidence or without actually saying anything to question it like, “How do you know it’s definitely true.” And because you just believe it, you become part of that jury and start to really make false accusations based on what people are saying and not based on who that person really is. Sometimes as a ‘judge’, you actually don’t want to just go with the ‘juries’ decision, but you do because if you don’t, you stick out from the crowd and its also not seen as normal. The ‘jury’ might even accuse you of doing things because you’re not listening to them, and so the drama starts. If you’re a ‘judge’ I challenge you to step out of that routine of just listening to all the things the ‘jury’ says about people (gossip). And block out their false assumptions, and if you’re really being sucked into believing it, then actually go and ASK that person they were gossiping about if what those people are saying is true. Then you have no worry of being a part of the ‘jury’.

The defendant. If you are any of the above (judge or jury), and you have judged a person (defendant), I want you to think about how they feel. Or maybe you’ve been in a situation where you have been the defendant and you actually know exactly how it feels. The jury (including the judge) has the power to ultimately destroy this persons life. Once a small jury decides on something about a person, like the fact that they don’t have many friends, and go around telling people, everyone acts as a judge and just follows what they say without questioning it, and so it makes it real for this defendant, and now they have to live with it for the rest of their lives. So, just to make it clear, they live out a lie that was made up by people who don’t even know what they’re talking about. Imagine how it must feel to have everyone judging you and thinking you’re someone that you’re actually not, and you can’t even do anything about it. Imagine the pain and hurt this person has to go through every day. But then, imagine if by chance, whenever the jury said something about a person, all the judges around them would stand up and make sure they know what they are talking about, and realize something is a lie, then they would actually be saving the innocent defendant from suffering the consequences that weren’t even relevant.

Are you part of a jury? and if you are, do you enjoy creating hurt? Do you enjoy having power to hurt someone? do you enjoy ruining people’s lives? If your answer is no, then it’s not too late to change, I’m sure you’ve been judged somewhere along the line, how did you feel? Just carefully consider what you are doing with people’s lives. Someone’s life is not something we can just mess around with.

Are you a judge? Do you go along with whatever others say? Do you enjoy being a part of the hurt, pain and brokenness of others? Well stand up, step away from the crowd, Jesus did and he went from 12 followers to about 2 billion all over the world, Mother Theresa did and people are STILL looking up to her.

Are you the defendant? Do you fear the jury and the judge? Do you get hurt and put down what they say? Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. But that doesn’t in anyway mean getting revenge, it just means being mature and brave enough to know in your heart that what they say is not true and to stay firm on that, and not be afraid to fight for yourself.

I don’t know if you have ever been into a court room but its usually dull, serious, dramatic ect. So now if we turn life into a courtroom, we’re making it all those horrible things and to be completely honest, it won’t be enjoyable at all.

Lets break down the courtrooms in our schools, work, church, home and every day lives, they’re not worth the stuff that comes along with it.

This is what defines me.

Something that defines you can be anything running your life. Anything driving your life while you sit in the passenger seat. What defines you is what also matters most to you, what consumes your time and energy, the stuff or the thing that takes up most of your thoughts. It can be an object, a belief, a good event, a bad event, your past, your thoughts on the future, your worries, people, words that have been said upon you, something someone has done to you, death of someone, a relationship with someone, and so on.

Think of the one thing that defines your life, and once you’ve realized what it is, continue reading.

What good is that thing going to do for you if it’s directing your life? For example, if you are defined by being “cool” at school or work or wherever, is that going to bring fulfillment for your life ahead of you? What happens when people stop thinking you’re cool, what do you have to fall back on? If you are defined by what people have said about you (you’re fat, you’re a slut, you’re ugly), how is that going to make you happy in the long run? How is putting yourself down ever going to awaken the joy in your heart? Don’t you want to be happy?
When we allow these things to direct our lives, it is like going on a road trip and getting blind man to direct us. You’re going to go no where, Maybe Get lost? Yes. Find yourself Confused? Probably.

“But Paige, I can’t let go of these things, I can’t do it on my own.”
I get it. And that’s why we don’t have to do it alone, God is with us, God defines us, not those useless things we let define us.
Would you rather be stuck in the past, or living a joyful future with Gods guidance.
Would you rather listen to what other people say about you, or know the truth your creator has waiting for you to discover.
Would you rather listen to how hated you are by friends and family, or listen to how much God loves you no matter what.
Would you rather worry about the way you look, or let God show you how perfect you are.
Would you rather only love God when your friend, youth pastor or parents love God and base your relationship with God around theirs, or have an intimate relationship with God and let him romance you in powerful ways.
Would you rather let abuse take over your emotions, or let God protect you and fight for you.
Would you rather stay lost, or get found.
Would you rather take the drugs and drink the alcohol, or fall deeply in love with the acceptance of God and the comfort he brings.
Have you chosen God yet?

Choosing God to define your life isn’t easy, it’s very difficult, but the outcome is SO great, so wonderful, it’s indescribable. These things that used to define you, we’re put there by Satan and when satan sees you getting closer to God and letting God take over, he is going to attack full force, bringing those things back into your life, making you doubt the fact that the way God defines you is great, but you can’t let him win, in order to live a life where you can have a full relationship with God and where he defines you, you can’t even let one bit of you fall into those things that used to define you, they are gone and are no longer a part of your heart. Satan cannot win this, let God fight for you.

ABUSE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
THE PAST DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR REPUTATION DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
PEOPLE DON’T DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.
YOUR BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND DO NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR MISTAKES DO NOT DEFONE YOU.
YOUR SICKNESS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
DEPRESSION DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR CHURCH DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR MONEY DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR FRIENDS DO NOT DEFINE YOU.
ADDICTION DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
SEX DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR AGE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR SCHOOL DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR CLOTHES DON’T DEFINE YOU.
YOUR IQ DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR JOB DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR PARENTS DO NOT DEFINE YOU.
DRUGS DO NOT DEFINE YOU.
ALCOHOL DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
YOUR FAMILY DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.

GOD DEFINES YOU!!

You don’t understand how you can just leave all this stuff behind without God judging you for it? Jesus died on the cross for all this. He was beaten and then sent to death so that this stuff will no longer be a part of your life. God says in the bible that, “He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you, and to show you that I am not counting your sins.” He also says, “come home and ill throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen” (these are the words of God from the bible, I’m not quite sure which verse, but its still there, and its truth) Jesus also resurrected, he had new life, which means all of the stuff that defines us will die and we will gain new life in which God is the leader, he is the one who defines us.
How do you let God define you? just speak to him, pray, read the bible, see what god has to say. Ask him questions and truly keep silent and listen for the answer in which he brings forward. It doesn’t have to be a long and majestic prayer with the Shakespeare language that most people don’t understand, it can be simple, but make it your own and make it mean something. Also, get someone who you trust to keep reminding you to speak to God who keeps reminding you that God defines you and who will tell you honestly when you are falling back onto those other things that you once let define you.
When God defines your life, it is purposeful and means something to you.
When you let other stuff define you, you find yourself going no where, screaming “S.O.S”

So now, what defines your life?